Why do you want a child? In one sentence.
Couples with kids
Questions to ask each other before having a baby
Before a baby, people talk about names and strollers. The real questions are elsewhere: who gets up at night, who leaves work when daycare calls, how to stay a couple. Draw a card and answer together. Not to decide everything: to know where you both stand, before exhaustion gets a say.
Why talk about it beforehand?
Because disappointed expectations weigh a lot. An American study followed couples from the pregnancy of their first child: future parents got the split of childcare wrong, and mothers expected more from their partner than actually happened. That gap, more than the split itself, weighed on their mood and on the couple (Biehle & Mickelson, 2012).
Another study, which followed 156 couples, found that a baby speeds up the decline in marital satisfaction, even in happy couples who chose it. In fathers, having really wanted the pregnancy made the slope gentler (Lawrence et al., 2008).
Asking each other these questions guarantees nothing. But you know in advance where you disagree, and you avoid a lot of surprises at 3 a.m.
The topics to cover
For each one, a few questions to get the conversation going. The others are in the cards at the top of the page.
Wanting a child
The starting point, which people often forget to say out loud: why, how many, when. And what you’d do if it doesn’t go as planned.
- Why do you want a child? In one sentence.
- One child, two, more? And how far apart?
- What if it takes time, or doesn’t happen: how would we live with that?
Who will do what
The nights, parental leave, appointments: that’s where disappointed expectations hurt most after the birth.
- How do you picture splitting the nights?
- Who will take which leave, and for how long?
- Who will keep track of appointments, daycare, vaccines?
Money
A baby changes the budget: leave, daycare or a sitter, sometimes housing. Better to talk about it before the bills.
- How do we see our budget with a child?
- Daycare, a nanny, grandparents: which option, and at what cost?
- What would you be willing to cut back on, and what never?
Work
Who slows down, who leaves early when daycare calls: choices that weigh for a long time, and often more on one parent than the other.
- Is one of us thinking of working less? What would change?
- Who can leave early when daycare calls?
- What would be your ideal pace for going back to work?
Staying a couple
You don’t find time together, you take it. Might as well decide how beforehand.
- What do we absolutely want to keep from our life as two?
- How will we keep time just for us?
- How will we talk to each other when we’re exhausted?
Family
The grandparents, the hospital, the visits, the advice: everyone’s place is easier to discuss ahead of time.
- What place do we want our parents to have around the baby?
- How do we say no to advice we don’t want to follow?
- And the visits in the first weeks, how do we handle them?
Raising kids
You don’t need to have planned everything. But knowing where each of you comes from helps you decide together.
- Which values would you most like to pass on first?
- Screens, sugar, sleep: do you already have principles?
- What will we do when we disagree in front of the child?
And if it’s hard?
The question people don’t dare ask, and the most useful one: how you support each other when things go wrong.
- How will we know that one of us isn’t doing well?
- Who can we ask for help?
- Seeing a professional if something isn’t right: is that an option for you?
How to talk about it without turning it into a job interview
- One theme per eveningNo more. The rest can wait until next week.
- No right answerYou’re finding out what the other thinks, not correcting it.
- Write down the disagreementsNot to solve them right away: to come back to them with a cool head.
- Come back to it during the pregnancyAnswers change once the baby becomes real, and that’s normal. Draw again in the third trimester.
And if you don’t agree?
It’s normal, and even useful: better to discover a disagreement about the nights or daycare now than at 3 a.m. Some get settled in one talk, others take time.
If it’s the wish for a child itself that isn’t shared, take the time to hear the other’s reasons. A couples counselor can help you talk about it without hurting each other.
Your questions
What questions should you ask before having a baby?
The most useful ones are about life after the birth: splitting the nights and the tasks, parental leave and work, the budget and childcare, the place of each family, parenting and how to stay a couple. The wish for a child also deserves to be said out loud: why, how many, when.
How do you know if you’re ready for a baby?
Nobody is ever completely ready. The good sign is being able to talk together about the concrete topics, the nights, money, work, without the conversation turning into a conflict, and wanting to get through the hard parts as a team.
How do you talk about wanting a baby as a couple?
At a calm moment, with no pressure or imposed timeline. Start from what each of you imagines, the hopes as well as the fears, before talking about dates. The cards on this page can be a starting point.
What if one of us wants a baby and the other doesn’t?
Listen to the other’s reasons without trying to convince them right away: fear, timing, money, family history. Give the conversation time. If you keep going in circles, a couples counselor can help you talk about it.
Should we wait until we’re financially stable?
There’s no magic threshold, but a baby changes the budget: leave, childcare, housing. Running the numbers together beforehand helps avoid tension later. That’s exactly what the money questions are for.
When should you ask these questions?
Ideally before trying for a baby, then again during the pregnancy: answers often change once the baby becomes real. It isn’t an exam to pass, it’s a conversation to come back to.