We’ve been fighting nonstop since the baby: how to get out of it

Why do couples fight more after a baby?

Because you’ve never been this tired, this rushed and this unavailable to each other. Fights after a birth are rarely about the real issue: behind “you forgot the daycare bag again” there’s often “I can’t keep thinking of everything”.

A study that followed 218 couples for eight years saw it: right after the first baby, negative exchanges rise sharply, in mothers and fathers alike (Doss et al., 2009). Lack of sleep doesn’t help: after a bad night, couples fight more and understand each other less (Gordon & Chen, 2014).

In other words, it isn’t your relationship that’s breaking down: it’s the period that’s hard. One more reason to care about how you fight.

The topics that start fights

They’re almost always the same, from one home to the next. Spotting them already defuses them.

• “I’m always the one who gets up.”The nights, and who catches up on sleep when.
• “You could have thought of it.”The mental load, and the list that lives in one head.
• “Your mother again?”The in-laws, their advice and their surprise visits.
• “Here, let me do it.”How you each handle the baby, and who knows best.
• “We never see each other anymore.”Time together, and the tenderness that’s missing.
• “You let them get away with everything.”Parenting, as soon as the child grows up.

Make the “who thinks of what” list →

How do you fight without hurting each other?

A University of Washington finding went around the world: in 124 newlywed couples, the first three minutes of a discussion predicted which ones would still be together six years later (Carrère & Gottman, 1999). Good news: the start of a fight is exactly what you control best.

1. Start softlyTalk about yourself and the situation, not about the other: “I’m wiped out tonight, can you do the bath?” rather than “You never do anything.”
2. One thing at a timeTonight’s bottle, not the last five years. “Always” and “never” put the other on the defensive.
3. Take a break when it boils overHeart racing, voice rising? Stop. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes” isn’t running away, as long as you really come back.
4. Look for what’s true in what they sayEven in an unfair reproach, there’s often a piece of truth. Acknowledging it brings the temperature down at once.
5. Repair, even clumsilyA gesture, a joke, a “can we start over?”. Knowing how to make up matters as much as knowing how to fight.

The sentences that poison, and the ones that calm

Same idea, different effect. Tap a card to flip it.

• Instead of“You never do anything.” Try“I’m wiped out tonight. Can you do the bath?”
• Instead of“Here, let me do it.” Try“Do it your way, I won’t look.”
• Instead of“You’re overreacting.” Try“I didn’t see it that way. Tell me.”
• Instead of“It’s always the same with you.” Try“This has happened a few times and it weighs on me. Can we talk about it tomorrow, calmly?”
• Instead of“Let your mother deal with it.” Try“I need us to decide together what to tell your mother.”
• Instead of“Do whatever you want.” Try“I have no energy left to talk about it tonight. Tomorrow morning?”

Fighting in front of the kids: is it bad?

Children don’t need parents who never argue. What worries them is hostile fights, and the ones that never get resolved: shouting, contempt, slammed doors, silence that lasts.

A study of 235 families showed it: when parents argue constructively, with respect, solutions and affection, children feel more secure, and a year later they show more care for others (McCoy, Cummings & Davies, 2009).

If a fight broke out in front of them, make peace in front of them too: “We didn’t agree, we talked about it, and it’s OK.”

You don’t agree on how to raise the kids?

Screens, sleep, cuddles at bedtime, consequences: disagreements come early, and each of you brings the upbringing you had.

1. Agree on two or three rulesNot on everything: on what matters most to both of you. For the rest, each has their own style, and the child adapts very well.
2. Don’t undermine the other in front of the childUnless there’s danger, back them up in the moment, and talk it over just the two of you, later.
3. Share where you come from“At home, we used to…”: understanding where the other’s view comes from softens the discussion.