No desire since the baby? Finding intimacy again, at your own pace

Why does desire take a break after a baby?

Not one reason, but a stack of them. Many new parents could sign these sentences:

• “I could sleep standing up.”Exhaustion comes before everything else, desire included.
• “I’ve been touched all day.”After hours with the baby in your arms, you sometimes need your body to be yours alone.
• “I don’t recognize my body.”A body that’s recovering, that has changed, and that you don’t necessarily feel like showing.
• “I’m afraid it will hurt.”A common fear, to share with your midwife or doctor rather than keep to yourself.
• “The baby sleeps in our room.”Hard to feel alone in the world with a thirteen-pound audience.
• “What if you don’t want me anymore?”The other parent can quickly start to doubt, too.

A Canadian study of 239 new-parent couples measured it: sexual concerns are very common after a birth, in mothers and fathers alike, and the more numerous or heavy they are, the less satisfied the couple (Schlagintweit, Bailey & Rosen, 2016). Hence the point of talking about it.

When can you have sex again after giving birth?

For your health, the midwife or doctor who follows you is the one who can tell you how your body is doing, especially at the postpartum checkup. For the couple, there’s no normal date: the right one is when you both feel like it.

A large Australian study that followed 1,507 women after their first birth showed it: at six weeks, fewer than half (41%) had tried to have sex. That rose to 78% at three months and 94% at six months (McDonald & Brown, 2013). Taking your time is the norm.

Tenderness first

Between “nothing” and “everything”, there’s a whole world. In the University of Washington study of couples who became parents, everyday affection was among the things that protected the couple. Gestures that expect nothing in return, and that reassure the other:

• The hug that asks for nothingSay it if you need to: “just a hug”. It takes the pressure off both of you.
• The shoulder rubFive minutes, no hidden agenda. Taking turns.
• Holding handsOn the couch, while walking, as you fall asleep.
• The compliment that isn’t about the babyAbout a look, a laugh, an outfit.
• Falling asleep closeFive minutes spooning, before one of you dozes off.
• The date with no strings attachedAn evening just for the two of you, without having to “end it” a certain way.

A tender idea for tonight →

Talking about it without hurting each other

Silence is often the real problem: one doesn’t dare ask, the other doesn’t dare say no, and each imagines the worst. A few sentences that open the door:

• “It’s not you: I’m just wiped out these days.”To say no without closing the door.
• “I want you, even if I’m not up for it tonight.”To separate the other from the tiredness of the moment.
• “How about just a hug?”To get close again without pressure.
• “I miss you.”Three words that reassure more than a long speech.

Desires that don’t arrive at the same time are normal, and you get through it with humor and patience. What hurts most is often silence and reproach.